Archive for 2015

Home Archive for 2015

Last Sunday we have a meet up for dinner. We settled out everything, the anxiety and the feelings she get in Cambodia is true, but it is entirely unrelated to our relationship/ or maybe a little bit, she said that last month she had almost fully recovered. Since she had move into full christian life, she had find peace and herself, and her attitude changed, she started to think of herself rather than think for others because in the past she was thinking for others only. Well, it might be good for her in the future.

Our relationship broken is due to attitude problem, maybe at the starting we should not be together, at that time she was stress at work, and she needs accompany and caring maybe, and i gave her all she wants, that time got other colleagues was chasing her and even better than me, but instead she choose me, maybe she just got all the feelings to me that time, and i believe when we were together, she was so in love with me, she admitted that, but when times passes, it comes to reality, she might thinks that i am immature enough for her, and i was thinking to love a person should have try to sustain and keep on going, but actually it wasn't, what she said is correct, maybe at the past i did something that she don't like but she keen to let me do so because she was only think for the others. But i am still wondering is the anxiety that she get in cambodia, after it gone, she feel so relief and wanna be herself, and don't want to be in a relationship at the moment, she can be so cruel of letting go of our relationship whereas i did nothing wrong so badly like betrayed her or something, just because i lost control or emotional unstable that leads her to that, well, it was my fault of lost control but it is normal for a person to lost control and quarrel with her when a person dont know whether is that anxiety or attitude that leads our relationship to this? I am innocent all the time and guilty and she don't want to give me the second chance anymore, i am so sad and i wanted to get her back, but now it is extreme hard.

We was in tears when we were talking, i can't let go of her, she feel guilty of dragging our relationship for the beginning until the end, she stays so firm for her decision, she wants to move on for herself and hope i will move on too, she holds no chances for our future is because she don't want me to feel hopeless at the end, she hope that we can be friend back and don't be too sad about our past, she feel thankful that i take care of her for that particular months, we had a very serious yet gorgeous relationship that we had never been, but still, love is no right or wrong, we do not care how other people gonna judge us, but i won't want her to let other people saying her bad words, i admitted i still can't let go of her, but instead of giving her happiness, i love her, i will let her go to do what she wants, i don't dare to think about future whether we got the chance to be together or not, but if we are destined to be together, we will be together. But still hopeful that she will realized how important is my love and our relationship and get back to me one day.

Well, it takes some time for me to move on, but at least i felt relief because i do not have questions around whether is because of anxiety or because of attitude, whatever will be, will be. Thanks a lot for my friends and family for giving me great advise even though I am not listening due to thoughts about anxiety, but as I said, when I get an honest answer from her face to face, give a closure, and this is our ending of our relationship.

Her unlucky incident. :(

Well, the case is quite special. Last two months, my girlfriend went to Cambodia with her friends for vacation trip. I keep in touch with her every day in phone. After that, the second day at Cambodia. She started to not feeling well, maybe she is having period and so on but she told me that she gets a very weird yet scary feeling inside her mind. Starting I am not really concern until it goes worst, she is a very tough girl who does not afraid of anything, but this time, she feels fears, she worried that she can't feel herself and decided to back early from Cambodia.

We tried many ways to make her feel better, but she is getting worst. Example like, she looks to a person/friend/family, and she feels that person weird and will suddenly bring her to another mind of thinking. It is quite complicated for me and I was suggested to look for doctors. But I could not figure out which doctor for her to visit. She told me that she can't feel me and she is not feeling well in her heart all the time, sometimes she can't feel herself and she knows that.

I suspected she might be having derealization after some sort of research around, and do ask for some psychologist too.

And recently, she decided to have temporary break up with me just because she don't want to hide her feelings and she don't want me to hurt for so deep, when she is having this problem, she do tell me that if anything happened to her, remember that her heart is actually still loving me. I am so sad of her incident seriously. :'(

She feels bad that she don't have feelings to me in a sudden, she don't want me to feel suffer so she leaves me and asked for temporary break and be friend. I can't accept the fact. We didn do anything wrong, before her incident gone worse, she told me before that she will not leaves me unless i betrayed her, i will be her only one and the last one. But then, when she got this suspected dp that she can't really feel anyone, she told me before that, no matter what happened to her or gone worse, please remember that she will always love me in her heart. :'(

After she requested for temporary break, we have badminton(Sports) session every Wednesday, but that day i was trying to ask about her and wanna have a talk with her one on one, but she was like afraid of me. Until her friend accompany, only she willing to talk with me with friend's accompany outside. She told me she not feeling well when she sees me and she don't know why, she feels so guilty and so afraid of me, and recently she deleted our facebook relationship status, sweet photos of us, instagram photos, and wechat moments. I don't really understand why she wanted to delete all these sweet memories. I am numb and i am trying to keep hold on my nerves for being patient and patient. Well, this is a tough task for me as i have to be tough enough to support her.

On 5th of November, the day after our monthsary, we have quarrel a while and i still cant hold my nerves! because I was wanna try to get her back but still useless, she said please give her time and space, don't force her anymore. Well in terms of giving her time and space, I have a lot of comments, some would say give her time and space by not contacting her until she feel misses me or needs me and then she will find me back. Some would say I must keep on contact with her to let her know that I will always support her and be by her side all the time but I worried that this will make her even worst.

When time passes by, i felt a little bit open-minded eventhough the process keep on up and down, i was very depressed of myself, until i joined DP/DR Forum which can get to know more about people who suffered from DP/DR. Below words are one of the DP/DR person who gives comment to me.

"Coming from someone with DP I can understand why she'd take a break from you. Sometimes with DP you know you love someone deep down but you just don't feel it because your emotions are numbed. You just feel numb to everything, for example if you bought her gifts she'd have accepted them with thanks but deep down not cared because she's numb. There's nothing you can do to break this numbness. But here's what I suggest to do.

Call her and tell her you understand that she's numb right now, you understand that she's seeing you another way because of the DP but tell her that it's fine. Tell her you understand that DP can put you in a state where this happens, tell her you've spoken to me and others with DP that feel just like her and you're really trying to help. Tell her that you're okay having a break, but you want to stay in touch with her and help her anyway. Don't be mistaken dude, she knows your love is geniuine she just cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you by being numb all the time. Tell her you're here to help her through it and also, so are we here at DPSELFHELP, it's a horrible condition and make sure she has all the support she can get.

Just make sure she knows you're not trying to force a relationship, you're not trying to fix things but you're here just to help her. She wants a break, so give her one. But always let here know that you're there to help as a friend foremost. Don't think too much about fixing things for the future, just try and support her in the now as a friend."

What he said is correct and sounds reasonable. Well I as her BF, i should not leave her alone by not contacting her at all and make her started to miss me, it is quite impossible because she is feeling numbed and lost any feeling and emotions, no matter how she will not text me and yet i should be tough enough to get to her, support her, be by her side, even as a friend for her, as long as she is feeling comfortable. I believe one day she will come back to her real ownself and finds me back.

Lastly, the most important is me. I am facing a tough task especially my patience and toughness, i should be tough and strong enough to keep in touch with her and let her feels that i will be there for help all the time. I think i should call her tonight and cares about her so she will feel supported. Hope everything will be alright and smooth. Just want her to be better. I love her, Amanda Cheesy. :')

10:42am

Tuesday

17/11/2015

The Road.

Well, it is been two weeks that she asked for temporary break for 3 months. But everything doesn't seems as it be.

She is feeling afraid of me when she sees me, at the same time she is feeling guilty of me. It was kinda hurt for me when she deletes some of her insta or fb post about us, even deleted our fb relationship status. I hold on, telling her that i am alright. But end up my attitude ruins everything.

Until last thursday, because I could not accept the fact still, i decided to tell out all my feelings to her, we have a little quarrel in the phone because i do not believe that she can completely forget our relationship in a sudden, maybe is the feeling that curses her. I don't know, she just said "Not give me some time and space hmm?" I started to feel wake up, i think that i should not be so greedy. I should not just think of myself and did not think of her. Actually she should be the one who suffered even more than me, i know she does not want to decide to have temporary break to me. End up i promised her, because i seems like real understand of her heart. She does need alone, to think, and also time and space for her to figure out herself, find back her smile, find back everything. I guess she don't want me to have some hurt or bad things in our long relationships, she rather to let me have her real ownselves in our own relationship. She must be suffered a lot, a lot.

But i have face a lot of tough tasks which are, how do i face my friends, colleagues, and family? When they asked, i answered like we are still together, but my heart is pain once i answered all these. I don't want them to worried about me and feel like bad news for them, especially my family. They are so happy when i have her. I am stressful and pain when they asked me about her, but i have to keep tough and tough and tough all the time. Other than that, eventhough i was trying to make myself busy, but end up insomnia at late night, dreaming of her every night, the feeling was like i thought we were together but when wake up, everything is nothing.

I worried that after three months, she will asked me to move on also, i can agreed to have temporary break and give her time and space, but i cant' accept real break, i will gone crazy. No matter what will happened, i will always chase her back, get her back to me, as long as she is comfortable. The road i am moving right now will be extreme tough as it torturing me almost everytime, but A man should be tougher than a woman, and i hope ONE DAY she will understand why i will do all these things, why i will not give up on her.

Just because, I LOVE HER! :'))))

Monday
3:02pm
9/11/2015

Stages in A Relationship

Stage 1: Romance – becoming a couple

Relationships usually start out with romance, though in some cultures, for example, where a marriage is arranged, romance may come later.

At this stage a couple are building a sense of togetherness, so differences and difficulties are often overlooked, even denied. Everything is perfect – it feels quite ‘unreal’ – and in a way it is. But couples need this intense phase, and if they do not build this ‘togetherness’, the relationship can run into difficulties very quickly.

Stage 2: Reality – the differences start to appear

Reality hits eventually and partners each reconnect with the outside world and realise again they are two individuals with differences that need to be reconciled. It can be a disheartening time. Each partner has to adjust to the responsibilities, problems and complexity of living together. This includes learning how to compromise, manage conflict and work through differences.

It can be upsetting when a relationship begins to change. And if one partner begins to re-establish their independence the other may react by becoming overly demanding. Partners who manage this phase well have a much better chance of developing the skills they need in order to deal with the challenges of the coming years.

Stage 3: Power struggles – practising independence

In this stage, each partner’s need for independence grows as does a desire to get their own way, perhaps out of a fear of not being accepted or respected by the other. Arguments, blaming and criticism become more frequent and intense; conflict rises and is often focused on issues such as money, bringing up the children and who does what around the home.

This is a difficult stage for couples and a time when some relationships break down. But many couples work though this stage by coming to terms with their differences and finding ways of not letting their disagreements damage their closeness, even though they struggle to keep a sense of connection.

Stage 4: Finding oneself – independence

The next stage is another difficult one for couples – when one or both partners are engaged in ‘finding oneself’ in some way again. The focus shifts away from ‘we ’- to ‘me’ as individuals each question: ‘Who am I?’ ‘What do I want?’ ‘What do I need?’

Couples often find this stage particularly stressful because they feel less connected and sense that they are drifting apart because both are doing their own thing. They may argue more and it is often at this stage that affairs can happen, and couples can separate.

Stage 5: Reconciliation – working through

Couples who have weathered the difficult stages can accept the independence of their partner and still feel connected to them. As such, they focus on reconciliation as they work out a new sense of togetherness. They understand each other better, are more accepting and tolerant of each other and feel committed. They see their differences as strengths and not as weaknesses in their relationship.

Stage 6: Mutual respect and love – interdependence

Mutual respect and love is the final stage and one that all couples aspire to. Each partner feels fully accepted by the other and they have reached a comfortable balance between being together and their own individuality. Both partners are free to explore new ways of fulfilling themselves instead of pouring so much energy into the relationship

Last Wednesday, I was so stressful about my works, and once finish work I am about to get excited of my trip with my girl to her hometown for the first time. But it seems not going to be as what I think.

Went to badminton, she looks not feeling well yet she is trying to control her feeling as her incident happened after back from Cambodia. Not really sure is it 'derealization' or devil spirit inside her heart. The way she treated me is different, yet i know i will be the positive energy to her all the time even she treat me so badly but this is not what her want and under her control.

We went to her hometown, Kuala Kangsar, Perak on the next day. I be the driver for sure :)
I am thinking to let her to help me selfie but get rejected, im thinking it might be because of her mood is not that good, just what i get the feeling from her is completely hurt. It is ok. i can bear it since this is not what she wants. :))

But i pretend to be nothing in front of her even though i am feeling heartache, i just want to let her know that i am fine and alright because she also don't want to hurt me in that way, but i am soft-hearted and so mind and cares about her. So, it is quite hurt and at last only my tears are rolling in my eyes during sleeping time and my heart felt so pain, so pain. Nobody will knows my inside pain.

Other than those hurting time, we have some happy times too. We go to eat some hao liao around, thanks to her for bringing me to expose Ipoh food! it was so nice and also her relatives are lovely and funny. They cooked some nice food for me and let me stay on their house, appreciated it a lots! and not to forget that to celebrate mooncake festival with their relatives, when i saw her smiling and enjoying, i am feeling relief because i just want her to be better, comfortable and happy.

She suffered a lot compared to me. I hope she will be better after all these and she is going back to her hometown again after back to KL. She said sorry to me a lot of times, she does not want to be like this and she knows her action hurts me a lot. Yes, it hurts me a lot. Sometimes i would want to be alone for a while, because the pain is way too pain. But yet, i will still wait her, because i love her. i know 'no pain, no gain'. So thank you for being in my life eventhough i am feeling heartache, i will be alright, so do you. Let's jia you together for a better future my girl! :')

11:17AM
28/9/2015
Monday

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Life

The End

Derealization/Depersonalization by her?

The Road

晴天 Sunny Day

Three Months

SUFFER

One day, if.

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet

Stages in A Relationship

Stages in A Relationship

Stage 1: Romance – becoming a couple

Stage 2: Reality – the differences start to appear

Stage 3: Power struggles – practising independence

Stage 4: Finding oneself – independence

Stage 5: Reconciliation – working through

Stage 6: Mutual respect and love – interdependence

Heartache

Everything will be alright. :')

Motivation

Our 4th Monthsary

Quotes from the only apple of my eyes :)

START

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