Relationships usually start out with romance, though in some cultures, for example, where a marriage is arranged, romance may come later.

At this stage a couple are building a sense of togetherness, so differences and difficulties are often overlooked, even denied. Everything is perfect – it feels quite ‘unreal’ – and in a way it is. But couples need this intense phase, and if they do not build this ‘togetherness’, the relationship can run into difficulties very quickly.

Reality hits eventually and partners each reconnect with the outside world and realise again they are two individuals with differences that need to be reconciled. It can be a disheartening time. Each partner has to adjust to the responsibilities, problems and complexity of living together. This includes learning how to compromise, manage conflict and work through differences.

It can be upsetting when a relationship begins to change. And if one partner begins to re-establish their independence the other may react by becoming overly demanding. Partners who manage this phase well have a much better chance of developing the skills they need in order to deal with the challenges of the coming years.

In this stage, each partner’s need for independence grows as does a desire to get their own way, perhaps out of a fear of not being accepted or respected by the other. Arguments, blaming and criticism become more frequent and intense; conflict rises and is often focused on issues such as money, bringing up the children and who does what around the home.

This is a difficult stage for couples and a time when some relationships break down. But many couples work though this stage by coming to terms with their differences and finding ways of not letting their disagreements damage their closeness, even though they struggle to keep a sense of connection.

The next stage is another difficult one for couples – when one or both partners are engaged in ‘finding oneself’ in some way again. The focus shifts away from ‘we ’- to ‘me’ as individuals each question: ‘Who am I?’ ‘What do I want?’ ‘What do I need?’

Couples often find this stage particularly stressful because they feel less connected and sense that they are drifting apart because both are doing their own thing.  They may argue more and it is often at this stage that affairs can happen, and couples can separate.

Couples who have weathered the difficult stages can accept the independence of their partner and still feel connected to them. As such, they focus on reconciliation as they work out a new sense of togetherness. They understand each other better, are more accepting and tolerant of each other and feel committed. They see their differences as strengths and not as weaknesses in their relationship.

Mutual respect and love is the final stage and one that all couples aspire to. Each partner feels fully accepted by the other and they have reached a comfortable balance between being together and their own individuality. Both partners are free to explore new ways of fulfilling themselves instead of pouring so much energy into the relationship